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80:20 rule, focus, focus on what you want, Husband, marriage, marry, relationship, Spouse, why did you marry?
A long time ago, I wrote about the 80:20 rule. This was one of my earliest posts and interestingly has been the most shared post of this blog to date. To refresh your memory, the 80:20 rule states that you get 80% of what you like / want / need from your spouse in your relationship, but there is 20% that you don’t get and most likely will never get. For some people, the figures could be 90:10 or even 75:25 — it doesn’t really matter. The point is that you do get most of what you want and need from your spouse.
What can happen overtime though, is that we forget about that 80% we get from our spouse. Or, instead of being grateful for that 80%, we focus on the 20% we don’t get. Many things too can trigger us to fixate on that 20%. For instance, we tend to focus on the 20% when things are challenging and overwhelming in our lives, when we have a difference of opinion on an important issue with our spouse, when our spouse doesn’t act in a way we may like or meet our expectations, and of course, when we are in conflict with our spouse.
But when we fixate on that 20% — the flaws or the inadequacies in our spouse — we miss the 80%. We fail to notice the good stuff because we are so focused on the bad stuff only. Focus is key!
Today, my husband and I came across a really good question when reading one of the marriage books I have in my collection. The answer(s) to this question even put a fond smile on both of our faces. It reminded me of qualities I had totally forgotten my husband possessed and that drew me to him. It also reminded me of characteristics I possess that my husband admires and that drew him to me.
If you are struggling to notice that 80% in your spouse, or have forgotten completely what it even is, then let me ask you this same question:
Why did you marry _______ (insert your spouse’s name here)?
Think of 3 things that really made you want to marry your spouse. Share your answers with your spouse. Ask them the same question too. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results. 🙂
Things You Realize After You Get Married 
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What a great reminder! It’s so true, sometimes we forget all the good things our “other” does for us. That question is the perfect way to remind ourselves how much we really love each other!
And on a side note, I am planning on coming back to wordpress when the semester is over. I have to stay with my other blog for a class… but I will return! Hehe. I miss wordpress.
Have a fabulous day.week.weekend!
It is a great question! And the, “list three things…” part really helps get you thinking concretely in case the initial question is too abstract for some. Thanks for commenting as always and yay for your return to wordpress! 😀
To my spouse, these are: a muslim woman, beautiful, and respectful.
That is lovely!
It is nice to see blogs like this! Thanks!
Thanks!
Hi! I just came across your blog and I really like the concept. I’m now following 🙂 I just got married this past August (we’d been together six years prior to our wedding), so this is very timely for me. I like the whole 80/20 thing…it’s good to know there is some leeway allowed…no one should believe that a single person can make them happy 100% of the time.
Thanks for following and I’m glad you liked the premise behind this blog! 🙂 The 80/20 rule is a great thing to keep in mind. I think going into marriage a lot of people do feel that their spouse can make them happy all or even most of the time (because of how great things can often be in the dating stage). And when things change after marriage for whatever reason, they start to realize that it’s not the case and it catches them off guard…. It was a learning lesson for me too (my husband and I had a blissful 3 years of dating before we got married), but one that is getting easier, primarily b/c like you, I now know that no single person can make you happy 100% of the time and that’s ok!
I always try to keep in mind that the 20% came part and parcel of the deal and that he too is missing 20% of perfect. I married him for many reasons, but one of them is that he is so very caring (sometimes too caring) towards the people he loves. I did not marry him because of his skills in planning 🙂 So I have that job and when it annoys me then I just think “oh well at least it makes that life is not boring”.
You sound a lot like my husband when you said that comment. There are times when we argue or butt heads over an issue and I ask him, “don’t you hate that we fight over this?” and he often replies “no–it makes life more exciting!” lol….I don’t know if I feel the exact same way as him at the time, but I do see what he means!……I agree—It’s a really good idea to often remind yourself, that that 20% is part of the package deal! And since you bought the package….well, you bought everything that came along with it! 😉
very interesting. thanks for sharing
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. 🙂
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